five times jarvis saw tony stark in a video without his clothes on
by Artemesia
Summary: When Jarvis tells Tony it's refreshing to see him dressed on YouTube for a change, Tony has such a little smile. This story explains the five videos in which Tony was less than clothed, and less than alone. And one in which he only seemed to be that way. Set pre-Iron Man movies, and one post-Avengers.


1. "You don't wish me to remove the video from YouTube, sir? I'm afraid I don't understand."

Tony squinted, fingers flying over the keyboard, as he tried to increase the resolution. He could hear every grunt and squeak and slam of the bed against the wall, it was like watching scrambled Cinemax after dark.

"No." Tony sighed and shook his head. The girl, some starlet whose name he barely even remembered (and he was pretty sure he'd forgotten it the second – and last – go round), already had a reality show deal, and all Tony got was Rhodey, Obidiah, Pepper, and the news pundits telling him how irresponsible he was Like he'd listened the first thousand times they told him.

"Jarvis, dial up Steve." Tony crossed his arms and frowned at the dark, grainy footage. "The cameras on his overpriced little phones suck. If I'm going to have a sex tape out there, I want people to know it's me."

2. "Sir, Miss Potts is on the line."

"I know what this is about, and I'm not picking up. Tell her I'm out."

"She said to tell you, sir, that you're out of your mind, and a number of other phrases best left unsaid."

"I don't see what the big deal is. It's France. I was getting in touch with the locals." Tony winced as a dark haired, comely beauty who barely spoke a word of English massaged aloe vera into his hot, red skin.

"Miss Potts says being filmed having sex on a beach-"

"It was a nude beach-"

"Nonetheless, sir, she says the next time, if there is a next time, that certain parts of your anatomy should get in touch with the locals in private. Or said parts will no longer be an issue."

Tony unconsciously winced, and it had nothing to do with his sunburn. "Jarvis, remind meto take away all Pepper's sharp objects. Hell, her blunt objects, too."

3. "Did you explain it was art?"

"Mr. Stane does not see, sir, how you, getting it on with all of the Three Graces, to use his words, would qualify as such."

Tony leaned back in his seat, remembering the young women in their sheer gowns, pressed up against him. Stark Industries had sponsored its first entry in the Pageant of the Masters, and in Tony's eyes, it was money well spent.

He sighed and shook his head, waving a screen into existence and pulling said video up. "Everyone's a critic."

4. "Sir, concerning the footage from the garage last night."

Tony stalked into the lab, slugging down a mug that had more whiskey than coffee.

"Oh, we are not even talking about that. I don't even want to think about that." Tony slammed the mug down on his desk. "Besides, not like it's ever happening again."

There was a pause, microscopic for anyone else, but enormous for Jarvis. "I'm relieved, sir. Miss Potts and Mr. Stane would be as well, I imagine."

"Jarvis, what the hell are you talking about? I had all of the Sports Illustrated models here! All of them!" He glared at Dummy, who was cowering in the corner. "You had one job, and it was to keep the camera focused! One job!"

5. "Sir, The Secretary of Defense is insisting you return his call."

"Have Rhodey deal with it."

"If I might remind you, sir, it was not Colonel Rhodes who gained entry to a secure government facility-"

"To which I was invited, Jarvis. Invited."

"Be that as it may, sir, I do not think the parameters for the planned inspection of the Stark technology on site included one of their scientists, topless-"

"I thought she kept her bra on."

"It certainly did not include you, naked, atop one of your own missiles, as the surveillance footage shows quite clearly."

Tony grinned and looked up to the disembodied voice. "How clearly?"

(and one time he didn't)

"That isn't even me! C'mon, the arc reactor looks completely fake." Tony crossed his arms across the blue light in his chest. "Besides, I don't even think Cap knows that particular move."

Four eyes looked at Steve, who blushed furiously and looked anywhere but at the screen. "Why are we watching this….this…"

"It's porn. C'mon, I know you were getting some star spangled action with the mademoiselles back in the day. It's just like your French girls. Just…they look like us."

"That doesn't look like me at all." Clint sighed. "Suppose I should just be happy they remembered me this time."

"You're not still mad they left you out of _Anal Avengers_?" Natasha smirked.

"Okay, not really," Clint admitted. "Still, it's nice to be remembered."

"I would never use Mjolnir in such a fashion," Thor protested. "I wish to have words with whoever created this most recent film."

"I believe Mr. Stark knows them." Tony shot a murderous glare up to the ceiling. "Unless your meeting with them, sir, was about another matter entirely."

Now the eyes were on Tony, who held his hands up in protest. "Hey, hey, they were going to make it anyway. I just offered a few suggestions to make it more realistic."

"Did that include my cleavage, Stark?" Natasha raised an eyebrow, and Tony took a cautious step back.

"That was all them. I just suggested some dialogue, a few visual pointers…" Tony ran his hand across his mouth. "Maybe the title, but I did not, I repeat, not, star in it."

"_Stark Naked_. Clever," Bruce said, deadpan. "But he looks like you, sounds like you. I'm just saying, the evidence is pretty strong."

"Oh, this is ridiculous. Jarvis, will you tell them it's not me?"

There was another of those pauses only Tony would notice. "Visual evidence is inconclusive, sir. Given your filmography, I would hesitate to hazard a guess."

"You are asking to be overwritten with Vista," Tony said. But it was too late, and three bemused smiles, one confused frown, and one look of mild horror focused on him.

"Filmography, hmm?" Natasha smiled and turned to head up the stairs.

"I don't like that hmm. Where is it going? Where are you going?" Bruce and Clint were already following her; Cap and Thor were thinking about it.

"Oh, just going to make some popcorn," Natasha said casually. "I just got the best idea for a movie night."


End file.
